'There's nothing wrong with you'

still super stressed. got the internship so im running around trying to get everything so i can be cleared and actually start. doctor's on tues, for vaccines, i have a phobia of needles...this isn't going to go well haha

trying to get everything organized school wise, get back into the routine. been eating like shit lately cause ive been forced to eat with my family. there's only so much i can do around them...and been soooo busy havn't been able to go to the gym. im pretty sure im back to my starting weight. i feel so fat and like shit.
excited because im taking a fitness evaluation class, where we learn how to evaluate people's level of fitness. were going to learn how to take all sorts of measurements so ill know for sure where i stand in all aspects.

hung out with R, drinking, ended up talking bout M. this was new and a little awkward. since ive met him, in july, the two of us never talked about him. They are beeest friends so he tells her everything. i didn't want to put her in the middle. She's so upset about what happened. she hates his 'ex'gf and is so pissed that he continues to try to fix things. she tried to make me understand that its so fucked up, but no matter how much everyone complains, HE needs to realize it and stop.....then she said something which was surprisingly comforting. she said, 'its not you. there's nothing wrong with you. hes a lame ass whose going thru shit with her. you did nothing wrong, he had never said anything negative about you, but talks shit about her all the time' i didn't realize how much that made me feel better. the normal female response to everything that happened is, what did i do wrong. i did nothing wrong, i didn't fuck this up!

i miss him so much. i hate not being to talk to him. i just want to be happy again....

cant stop shaking!

*big sigh*
Soooo super stressed rite now. but the craziness should calm down by next weekend.
First week of classes, not use to the new schedule and waking up time. Still working, and still at the internship, so no time for the gym this week. im literally going insane.

Got a parking ticket today, need to pay that. got some tickets over break, found out today my court date was today in the morning.....now gotta go pay all that too.
Since its back to school, and cause of my major, I have a class not on the main campus, so i have 50 mins to get to that one. oh the gas...i need more money! lol

This semester, as part of my major, I need to do a practicum. Which is basically an internship except we only need to complete 150 hours. The place Im at now doesnt count because its not hands on enough for school, so they needed to place me. To my great surprise my professor wants to set me up at the cardiac rehab for outpatients at the huge hospital in my area!!! they do not take many people, and this semester they will only allow one ONE person go through the process. they chose me!! what an honor, im still geeking out. but talk about stress! since its with a hospital i need to be interviewed, background check, paperwork, training, etc before i can begin. my interview is tom, i cant stop shaking im so nervous. Hopefully Im what they want. then im scared about the background check, not that i have any hidden skeletons, but if they do i drug test i may be fucked. Last time i smoked was sunday, even if they wait till next week ill be in better shape. and i have no problem stopping this semester. i only smoke with certain people and not that often. the timing of sunday just sucks! but how was i suppose to know i would be given this opportunity? *fingers crossed*

still havnt heard from M, and found out he hasnt been talking to our mutual friends either. so idkkk. whatever im on my grind and need to get my shit in order. this train waits for no one, esp if youre gonna slow me down.

Today is my saints day, which is a bigger deal then your birthday in our church, and toms my dads bday. Tonight were going to the wizards basketball game, he won corporate tickets from work so well be pretty close to on the floor. im excited.

deep breath. can only take it one day at a time.

bad next couple of days

First day of classes and I already fucked up. Def thought my class started at 10, started at 9. I woke up at 9…ugh he’s my prof for two other classes too!! Lol oh well luckily ive had him before so he knows me. First day, going over syllabi not too much of a problem.  

Fucked up royally yesterday. Like I feel like such a fat piece of shit right now. My mom and I went to the ballet, which was awesome. I love the ballet, it was beautiful, quite enjoyable, matinee showing. But since I was with my mom I ouldnt not eat. Grabbed a salad for lunch, but after we had coffee and dessert. She got me a chocolate mousse, one of my favorites. So had to eat it. Then went over to friends for the football game, my giants won woot woot, but got high and drank a little and ended up snacking like I was starving. In fact my sister was making fun of me ‘oh is today the day you actually eat something?’ I didn’t even notice how much I was munching until she said that. Fuck.

Trying not to eat today, but going to my schools bball game tonite. Probs gonna be drinking. Hopefully I can keep it to only that…fuck no at my nanny job we also have dinner together on mondays. It takes like a week if not more to make up a day….

Im in one class this semester where we test our athletic level now and at the end, and in-between we work out…possible new favorite class? Lol ugh its been so long since ive been to the gym, im going insane! So much in fact I may skip the game to workout….=/ but that would make me too much a hermit. If only people understood….

Downloaded some new songs, helping the mood. Im really into dubstep right now, if anyones got suggestions let me hear it!!

for every good day there's a bad

im exhausted.
not tired. exhausted.
in the my whole body is worn out, too weak to even stand, type of exhausted.
i dont understand why. ive never had this happen before, unless i was sick, but then im coughing and feverish.

its not going over well with my parents, esps my dad. he hasnt stopped yelling about how worthless i am and how i must be doing hardcore drugs that are making me like this.

i feel like my heart doesn't want to work any more. wtfffffff

the other day i stepped on a scale. i dont weigh myself often cause it makes me depressed, but i was walking by the one at the gym and noone else was around. 150. ive been seeing 153-156 so that made me smile. losing too slow but at least its working....

ugh, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day

jumping to conclusions

doing better. still not okay, but better. can't stop thinking about him....just sucks. it hurts so much.

schools about to start, getting ready with that and dealing with that stress.
still need to figure out where im doing my internship at since the one i am at wont count for school...retarded.

got off of work early yesterday so i came home and smoked some weed. i wanted to take a nap, but to my luck my dad got off work early too. of course i wasn't okay and he flipped out. now he thinks i do hard core drugs and get wasted all the time. he prob also thinks im a slut and full of diseases. i get that lecture every time i stay over at a friends house...then i didn't 'eat enough' of the mashed potatoes so hes all upset cause im clearly anorexic too. i didnt want the fucking potatoes anyway, but i took a spoon full for show. arrrrgh

and my sister moved back home. her roommate got pregnant and became crazy so shes back home. which means the yelling is bad again. people are crying. my mom hates how close my dad and i are. which is actually funny, because ever since he found out im on meds (like in sept) we havnt been that close. he keeps saying hes worried about me, but on my end hes become controlling, mean, and not my best friend who i talk to like before.....

americas next top model marathon, not a huge fan but nothing better on tv...plus some good thinspiration lol

fuck time

Losing weight takes time

College takes time

Talking to M takes time

Better, but still not okay. Why is this so hard this time