Wednesday, March 14, 2012

just get thru today

for three days i was happy
for three days i had everything under control
for three days everything went smoothly
for three days i looked skinny

i dont know what the scale read because i wasn't weighing myself. i was lying in bed and i was running my fingers over my ribs and hips, and i could feel them. not just feel them, but feel the edges of them. in the mirror i could see them!! i was soooo happy. the following three days were amazing. then everything went down hill. unnecessary drama. boy shit. girl shit. ex best friend, best friends again. parents flipping out. depression getting worse. too much to figure out in a short time. i then had the house all to myself for two days. i should have been productive. i slept. i literally slept more than half the day. when i was awake, i smoked till i couldnt. then i ate. i binged so bad. i regret it all, but at the time it was all i wanted to do. surprisingly the scale after the binge feast actually said a lost weight ????? down to 147. i dont know but the skinny girl in the mirror isnt there any more...

M is really doing well with ex. they went to maimi, camping, all this shit. fuck them.

as soon as i graduate i want to move. move somewhere south, atlanta, dallas, somewhere...


Saturday, March 3, 2012

its been awhile...

i just didnt have time to tend to my blog. and i think it made me worse. ive been so stressed, so over whelmed, so depressed, and i could talk to anyone. and im pretty sure i ate more than i wanted to because i felt guilty everyday. sometimes i didnt even notice i was eating until half way thru, and then i was like 'wtf???'

i did weigh myself the other day i was back up a couple pounds. which made everything even worse. but im also made bloated on my period....the worse really is what i see in the mirror. i look fatter and squishier in the mirror, and that makes me so disappointed. i wanted to take another self picture to compare to the new year, but just couldnt.

M is offically back with the ex. in fact theyre in maimi rite now. i dont expect to hear from him again. the only thing that kinda made me smile about all this is that i had more people come to my 23rd birthday, on a week nite, than he did on his 21st. he turned 21 like a week ago, and picture came up on facebook. she was there, and like three family members. thats it. not even his immediate family. your not better off without me. youre with a crazy bitch, with no friends. and anyone who was your friend hates her and never wants to hang out with her. am i over him? hell no. am i better than before? yes.

Things arent okay at home at all. My dad had to get foot surgery so hes doing miserably. and his been getting on my case with certain things. my mom....well i never got along with her i tried to, i tried to like her, and then i realized who much of a cunt she is and how much i hate her. i try not to come home any more to avoid all the screaming and abuse. but then my dad thinks im out doing drugs and having sex and worrying. My mom snoops thru my things now too. she had my cigs. after she yelled for 30 min straight, we stopped talking all together. we dont even acknowledge each other rite now. Then my dad got on me. he didnt yell, but a lecture none the less. about how im about to graduate and have such a great future and a great foundation, and that im throwing it ALL away. that nows not the time to try to 'breakout'. life isn't all about sex drugs drinking smoking etc.

he wants to know whats wrong. i dont wanna talk about it. i dont wanna tell him. i mean how do you say, i hate this family. i hate my life. i hate where i am. i hate everything about myself. im trying to be happy, make friends, and do something other than curl up in the corner. im tired of crying myself to sleep.


Sunday, February 19, 2012

can i breath now?

so overwhelmed.
so stressed.
too much going on. and more on the way. time is moving too quick and to many things due...
diet.....fucking dont even know any more.
gym...trying to fit in.
good news, stepped on scale at hospital, down to 148. fingers crossed for new weight and not just good day.

my heart still hearts. starting to not think about M all the time, but still feel like shit. empty. a failure.