tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45924286604248577072024-03-05T06:26:53.344-08:00Pursuit of Happinesspursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-44228170924188239232012-03-14T14:30:00.000-07:002012-03-14T14:30:01.285-07:00just get thru today<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
for three days i was happy<br />
for three days i had everything under control<br />
for three days everything went smoothly<br />
for three days i looked skinny<br />
<br />
i dont know what the scale read because i wasn't weighing myself. i was lying in bed and i was running my fingers over my ribs and hips, and i could feel them. not just feel them, but feel the edges of them. in the mirror i could see them!! i was soooo happy. the following three days were amazing. then everything went down hill. unnecessary drama. boy shit. girl shit. ex best friend, best friends again. parents flipping out. depression getting worse. too much to figure out in a short time. i then had the house all to myself for two days. i should have been productive. i slept. i literally slept more than half the day. when i was awake, i smoked till i couldnt. then i ate. i binged so bad. i regret it all, but at the time it was all i wanted to do. surprisingly the scale after the binge feast actually said a lost weight ????? down to 147. i dont know but the skinny girl in the mirror isnt there any more...<br />
<br />
M is really doing well with ex. they went to maimi, camping, all this shit. fuck them.<br />
<br />
as soon as i graduate i want to move. move somewhere south, atlanta, dallas, somewhere...<br />
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</div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-73330737215135764902012-03-03T10:21:00.001-08:002012-03-03T10:21:36.048-08:00its been awhile...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
i just didnt have time to tend to my blog. and i think it made me worse. ive been so stressed, so over whelmed, so depressed, and i could talk to anyone. and im pretty sure i ate more than i wanted to because i felt guilty everyday. sometimes i didnt even notice i was eating until half way thru, and then i was like 'wtf???'<br />
<br />
i did weigh myself the other day i was back up a couple pounds. which made everything even worse. but im also made bloated on my period....the worse really is what i see in the mirror. i look fatter and squishier in the mirror, and that makes me so disappointed. i wanted to take another self picture to compare to the new year, but just couldnt.<br />
<br />
M is offically back with the ex. in fact theyre in maimi rite now. i dont expect to hear from him again. the only thing that kinda made me smile about all this is that i had more people come to my 23rd birthday, on a week nite, than he did on his 21st. he turned 21 like a week ago, and picture came up on facebook. she was there, and like three family members. thats it. not even his immediate family. your not better off without me. youre with a crazy bitch, with no friends. and anyone who was your friend hates her and never wants to hang out with her. am i over him? hell no. am i better than before? yes.<br />
<br />
Things arent okay at home at all. My dad had to get foot surgery so hes doing miserably. and his been getting on my case with certain things. my mom....well i never got along with her i tried to, i tried to like her, and then i realized who much of a cunt she is and how much i hate her. i try not to come home any more to avoid all the screaming and abuse. but then my dad thinks im out doing drugs and having sex and worrying. My mom snoops thru my things now too. she had my cigs. after she yelled for 30 min straight, we stopped talking all together. we dont even acknowledge each other rite now. Then my dad got on me. he didnt yell, but a lecture none the less. about how im about to graduate and have such a great future and a great foundation, and that im throwing it ALL away. that nows not the time to try to 'breakout'. life isn't all about sex drugs drinking smoking etc.<br />
<br />
he wants to know whats wrong. i dont wanna talk about it. i dont wanna tell him. i mean how do you say, i hate this family. i hate my life. i hate where i am. i hate everything about myself. im trying to be happy, make friends, and do something other than curl up in the corner. im tired of crying myself to sleep.<br />
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</div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-26014177133350225562012-02-19T11:41:00.000-08:002012-02-19T11:41:53.868-08:00can i breath now?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
so overwhelmed.<br />
so stressed.<br />
too much going on. and more on the way. time is moving too quick and to many things due...<br />
diet.....fucking dont even know any more.<br />
gym...trying to fit in.<br />
good news, stepped on scale at hospital, down to 148. fingers crossed for new weight and not just good day.<br />
<br />
my heart still hearts. starting to not think about M all the time, but still feel like shit. empty. a failure.<br />
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</div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-83281626389849029662012-02-13T13:37:00.000-08:002012-02-13T13:37:31.152-08:00in hell<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
i cant handle my life.<br />
im so overwhelmed with everything i dont even know how to feel.<br />
<br />
im in soooo much trouble with my parents. im about one fight away from being homeless. my dad just got outta surgery for his foot, hes fine just immobile which is making everything worse. theres too much going on school and work wise. started at hospital, which is awesome, but eats up too much time. no choice tho....i feel like a blob. i dont even know what ive eaten this past week. and havnt been able to go to gym. thats whats getting me the worse. the no gym. working out really helps my anxiety amoung other things....and its rush week with my frat so were super busy with that. this past weekend my friends and i got too drunk. we were taking shoots too quickly so it hit all at once. i was tired so i ended up passing out. they went out....i spent all day yesterday bailing them out of jail......i still feel like death, and i cant see out of one eye for some reason. its all red and watering.....and im so not over M. its killing me that i still think about him. and the worse i feel, the more i want to just talk to him....oh and i need to figure out my summer internship for school by the end of this month, along with getting a personal training certification. i cant do this<br />
sorry, not enough time to really find thinspo....<br />
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</div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-86718042160781201632012-02-09T17:25:00.000-08:002012-02-09T17:25:30.856-08:00we could look good together<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
i start at the hospital tomorrow. super nervous, which means im stress eating. fml.<br />
this morning before stepping into the shower i looked in the mirror. i think i look slimmer. not showing on scale but visibly a little bit...i thought i had a gap between my thighs, but when i stood up straighter it disappeared =( at least its kinda there, im closer.<br />
<br />
M has a problem with our size difference. hasnt said anything but i can tell. still havnt talked to him, but cant stop thinking bout it. my body frame is a little wider than his, and hes a little shorter even in flats. i dont know how much is just the height, but since i cant change that i NEED to be smaller than him in everything else. i need for him to look at me and think, wow shes small....<br />
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<br /></div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-74984173282306561302012-02-06T15:52:00.000-08:002012-02-06T15:52:39.172-08:00scales playing tricks on me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
im so tired, stressed, hopeless<br />
every time i step on the scale i get a different number. the range is 146-152.<br />
i dont know any more.<br />
the other day at the gym, this girl was perfect. super skinny and in shape. bones and muscle definition. i think she maybe a dancer at school, but idk. so jealous<br />
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<br /></div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-38821854536959372282012-02-02T17:46:00.000-08:002012-02-02T17:46:26.957-08:00pillsbury dough girl syndrome<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
im finally cleared to work at the hospital, now just figuring out when ill actually be working. schools starting to pick up with homework and stuff. finally was able to go to the gym, couldnt motivate myself to do cardio after i did weights. im so weak. so fat. such a fuck up.<br />
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i was suppose to hang out with people, they were excited too. came up with some lame excuse. i knew if i went out we would drink and eat. cant do that rite now. sats a friends 21st so there will be plenty of that later. managed to get away with only having tea, crangrape juice, and a banana today. trying to stay strong now that im home. wish i was at the gym. esps since my parents are just fighting in the next room.<br />
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ive been doing well during the day to not think about M. nite time is what kills. its like the only thing i can think about, and its the only dreams i have. i hate this.<br />
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need to get the gym back in my schedule. i have pillsbury dough girl syndrome. squishy and i look like im pregnant. im so fat and ugly. why would he ever think about me.<br />
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<br /></div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-74188809732170099602012-01-29T18:18:00.000-08:002012-01-29T18:18:31.337-08:00'There's nothing wrong with you'<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
still super stressed. got the internship so im running around trying to get everything so i can be cleared and actually start. doctor's on tues, for vaccines, i have a phobia of needles...this isn't going to go well haha<br />
<br />
trying to get everything organized school wise, get back into the routine. been eating like shit lately cause ive been forced to eat with my family. there's only so much i can do around them...and been soooo busy havn't been able to go to the gym. im pretty sure im back to my starting weight. i feel so fat and like shit.<br />
excited because im taking a fitness evaluation class, where we learn how to evaluate people's level of fitness. were going to learn how to take all sorts of measurements so ill know for sure where i stand in all aspects.<br />
<br />
hung out with R, drinking, ended up talking bout M. this was new and a little awkward. since ive met him, in july, the two of us never talked about him. They are beeest friends so he tells her everything. i didn't want to put her in the middle. She's so upset about what happened. she hates his 'ex'gf and is so pissed that he continues to try to fix things. she tried to make me understand that its so fucked up, but no matter how much everyone complains, HE needs to realize it and stop.....then she said something which was surprisingly comforting. she said, 'its not you. there's nothing wrong with you. hes a lame ass whose going thru shit with her. you did nothing wrong, he had never said anything negative about you, but talks shit about her all the time' i didn't realize how much that made me feel better. the normal female response to everything that happened is, what did i do wrong. i did nothing wrong, i didn't fuck this up!<br />
<br />
i miss him so much. i hate not being to talk to him. i just want to be happy again....<br />
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<br /></div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-29831899812682814352012-01-25T13:35:00.000-08:002012-01-25T13:35:22.140-08:00cant stop shaking!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
*big sigh*<br />
Soooo super stressed rite now. but the craziness should calm down by next weekend.<br />
First week of classes, not use to the new schedule and waking up time. Still working, and still at the internship, so no time for the gym this week. im literally going insane.<br />
<br />
Got a parking ticket today, need to pay that. got some tickets over break, found out today my court date was today in the morning.....now gotta go pay all that too.<br />
Since its back to school, and cause of my major, I have a class not on the main campus, so i have 50 mins to get to that one. oh the gas...i need more money! lol<br />
<br />
This semester, as part of my major, I need to do a practicum. Which is basically an internship except we only need to complete 150 hours. The place Im at now doesnt count because its not hands on enough for school, so they needed to place me. To my great surprise my professor wants to set me up at the cardiac rehab for outpatients at the huge hospital in my area!!! they do not take many people, and this semester they will only allow one ONE person go through the process. they chose me!! what an honor, im still geeking out. but talk about stress! since its with a hospital i need to be interviewed, background check, paperwork, training, etc before i can begin. my interview is tom, i cant stop shaking im so nervous. Hopefully Im what they want. then im scared about the background check, not that i have any hidden skeletons, but if they do i drug test i may be fucked. Last time i smoked was sunday, even if they wait till next week ill be in better shape. and i have no problem stopping this semester. i only smoke with certain people and not that often. the timing of sunday just sucks! but how was i suppose to know i would be given this opportunity? *fingers crossed*<br />
<br />
still havnt heard from M, and found out he hasnt been talking to our mutual friends either. so idkkk. whatever im on my grind and need to get my shit in order. this train waits for no one, esp if youre gonna slow me down.<br />
<br />
Today is my saints day, which is a bigger deal then your birthday in our church, and toms my dads bday. Tonight were going to the wizards basketball game, he won corporate tickets from work so well be pretty close to on the floor. im excited.<br />
<br />
deep breath. can only take it one day at a time.<br />
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<br /></div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-55718738444408081632012-01-23T12:21:00.000-08:002012-01-23T12:21:40.389-08:00bad next couple of days<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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First day of classes and I already fucked up. Def thought my class
started at 10, started at 9. I woke up at 9…ugh he’s my prof for two other
classes too!! Lol oh well luckily ive had him before so he knows me. First day,
going over syllabi not too much of a problem. </div>
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Fucked up royally yesterday. Like I feel like such a fat piece of shit
right now. My mom and I went to the ballet, which was awesome. I love the
ballet, it was beautiful, quite enjoyable, matinee showing. But since I was
with my mom I ouldnt not eat. Grabbed a salad for lunch, but after we had
coffee and dessert. She got me a chocolate mousse, one of my favorites. So had
to eat it. Then went over to friends for the football game, my giants won woot
woot, but got high and drank a little and ended up snacking like I was
starving. In fact my sister was making fun of me ‘oh is today the day you
actually eat something?’ I didn’t even notice how much I was munching until she
said that. Fuck.</div>
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Trying not to eat today, but going to my schools bball game tonite. Probs
gonna be drinking. Hopefully I can keep it to only that…fuck no at my nanny job
we also have dinner together on mondays. It takes like a week if not more to
make up a day….</div>
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Im in one class this semester where we test our athletic level now and
at the end, and in-between we work out…possible new favorite class? Lol ugh its
been so long since ive been to the gym, im going insane! So much in fact I may
skip the game to workout….=/ but that would make me too much a hermit. If only
people understood….</div>
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Downloaded some new songs, helping the mood. Im really into dubstep
right now, if anyones got suggestions let me hear it!!</div>
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</div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-8371881466635408592012-01-21T14:40:00.000-08:002012-01-21T14:40:07.224-08:00for every good day there's a bad<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
im exhausted.<br />
not tired. exhausted.<br />
in the my whole body is worn out, too weak to even stand, type of exhausted.<br />
i dont understand why. ive never had this happen before, unless i was sick, but then im coughing and feverish.<br />
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its not going over well with my parents, esps my dad. he hasnt stopped yelling about how worthless i am and how i must be doing hardcore drugs that are making me like this.<br />
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i feel like my heart doesn't want to work any more. wtfffffff<br />
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the other day i stepped on a scale. i dont weigh myself often cause it makes me depressed, but i was walking by the one at the gym and noone else was around. 150. ive been seeing 153-156 so that made me smile. losing too slow but at least its working....<br />
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ugh, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day<br />
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<br /></div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-18194234626136871102012-01-20T12:16:00.000-08:002012-01-20T12:16:31.965-08:00jumping to conclusions<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
doing better. still not okay, but better. can't stop thinking about him....just sucks. it hurts so much.<br />
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schools about to start, getting ready with that and dealing with that stress.<br />
still need to figure out where im doing my internship at since the one i am at wont count for school...retarded.<br />
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got off of work early yesterday so i came home and smoked some weed. i wanted to take a nap, but to my luck my dad got off work early too. of course i wasn't <i>okay</i> and he flipped out. now he thinks i do hard core drugs and get wasted all the time. he prob also thinks im a slut and full of diseases. i get that lecture every time i stay over at a friends house...then i didn't 'eat enough' of the mashed potatoes so hes all upset cause im clearly anorexic too. i didnt want the fucking potatoes anyway, but i took a spoon full for show. arrrrgh<br />
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and my sister moved back home. her roommate got pregnant and became crazy so shes back home. which means the yelling is bad again. people are crying. my mom hates how close my dad and i are. which is actually funny, because ever since he found out im on meds (like in sept) we havnt been that close. he keeps saying hes worried about me, but on my end hes become controlling, mean, and not my best friend who i talk to like before.....<br />
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americas next top model marathon, not a huge fan but nothing better on tv...plus some good thinspiration lol<br />
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<br /></div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-1796022164632289312012-01-17T13:20:00.000-08:002012-01-17T13:20:28.101-08:00fuck time<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Losing weight takes time</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
College takes time</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Talking to M takes time</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
Better, but still not okay. Why is this so hard this time</div>
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</div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-83724028711590576572012-01-14T19:03:00.000-08:002012-01-14T19:03:27.650-08:00didnt realize i was in love till you left<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br /></div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-63474434344202416622012-01-13T11:35:00.000-08:002012-01-13T11:35:19.044-08:00i want to die<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
just last night i wrote a post about how great everything was.<br />
today everything went to shit.<br />
i want to die.<br />
<br />
R, my best friend is having her 21st tom. some friends are gonna be DDs who arent of age since we're going bar hopping. we feel bad so we were thinking about getting a six pack are something small for them well they wait.<br />
M is one of these people. I texted him, and the others, what they wanted to drink tom night.<br />
his response 'i dont think i can make it. dont think its a good idea to text anymore. nothing personal. sorry"<br />
<br />
i feel really really sick.<br />
really sick.<br />
and like shit.<br />
<br />
and i gotta get better by tom so as not to bring down the mood of my best friend.<br />
<br />
fuck my life</div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-24143452252149682412012-01-12T18:41:00.000-08:002012-01-12T18:41:05.354-08:00ahh yeaa getting there!!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
so my birthday was actually really good. a good amount of people were able to come out, and very much to my surprise M came too!! it was a little awkward because one of my best friends is going out with another best friend's ex. this was the first time they met, its such a small world. both of them are talkative and cool so i figured it wouldnt be an issue. I mean R broke up with him two years ago and has a new boy friend...and my other friend only met the boy over the summer, and we were friends way before that. R was not okay, and was a little weird, but oh well. i mean youre both my best friends, sorry.<br />
<br />
after dinner R and i actually went back to M's place and drank. it was a lot of fun. M's brother was there, his roommate, and then some other friends. it was a little weird because everyone, eps his brother, kept coming up to me telling me to tell M to break up with his crazy bitch ex. thats not place tho...M and i ended the night together...it was really awesome cause he went completely out of his comfort zone and gave me my fantasy. just as were about to pass out his brother and roommate start pounding the door. M's goes fuck off, they go no dude its serious. so he goes out, its like 6 am. turns out his roommate started punching one of the other guys cause he was outta line cause of something. idk, i was still in the room so i couldnt hear everything. then they had an intervention. it started cause M 'girl' was blowing up his phone, which he was ignoring or lying about what he was doing. then it turned into an intervention. he kept going but i love her, they kept going she doesnt love you. she uses you, we dont like her, we dont like you when youre around her, youre not happy. do whats good for you and stop it already.<br />
<br />
the morning was normal. Everyone got up and left and did they have to do...<br />
<br />
sooooo idkkkkk<br />
i think im good?<br />
<br />
oh! and it was really nice because at dinner everyone kept saying how hot a looked and how skinny =D i still hate my stomach the most, but at least im on the rite track!! i wore a tight, short, black dress with red high heels. i dont have a pic, and noone had a camera.<br />
<br />
just keep losing, just keep losing, just keep losing<br />
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<br /></div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-41257993767115971292012-01-08T20:30:00.000-08:002012-01-08T20:30:29.239-08:00oh shyt, im outta meds...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Just got back from ny. Went up for my Christmas. It was
terrible. Besides the fact that all we did was sit around and eat all day,
literally. That’s all we do. Sit together all day (all three of them) just
putting food in our mouths and drinking. My fam, not immediate, has a drinking
problem. I feel fat as fuck which just makes me feel even worse. My family is
also super dysfunctional. Like none other. Nothing but fighting. I wanted to
slit my throat this whole weekend. It was only yelling and crying and in denial
of soooo many things. And my cousin came with his supppper boring wife and his
two brats. He doesn’t parent them, hes wife doesn’t understand discipline, so
they are literally hurting people. And theyre 2 ½ and 1!!! Im pretty positive
the oldest kid has autism, cause I learned it in school, but we cant say
anything. And I tried hinting (bad me) and the wife had an excuse for
everything. And she really thinks that her kids are geniuses! Like cannot do
any wrong and are so beyond all the other kids. Oh is that why youre at your
fifth preschool cause the teachers are having problems with your kid? Sigggh….</div>
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And on top of that, im fucking pissed at M. hes trying to be
with his ex again. Best friend vented to me about the whole thing, cause I don’t
know her, its soooo fucked. Hes in love, shes not. Shes straight up using him. But
he doesn’t know what to do. “I love her and know her” meanwhile hes NEVER given
anyone else a chance. Even with me, the closer we get, the longer the break
between interactions is. Then hes asking
ME what to do. I don’t know her. I told him straight up drop the bitch. Hes like
idkkk. I dkkk if I can do better….wow. okay first off ur in denial. Second, u
just said that to me. Why me. Say that to others. Me? Does this mean u don’t want
me?? It was a long convo, I finally said grow a pair, ur annoying me. He goes,
ily you’re funny as fuck….</div>
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Fuck my life. No food tomorrow. Tues is my bday. I was
excited, now im just pissed.</div>
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</div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-20687566717237405842012-01-03T15:53:00.000-08:002012-01-03T15:53:13.715-08:00sleep till i waste away<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Im in such a shytty mood. I feel like shyt. I look like
shyt. </div>
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I just wanna sleep. </div>
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Or go to the gym. But im actually sick too so I cant handle
much at the gym. </div>
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So instead im just getting fat. Feeling alone. </div>
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Pissed about so much</div>
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</div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-27878763661763994462012-01-01T09:21:00.000-08:002012-01-01T09:21:36.792-08:00fuck the new year<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
fuck the new year. fuck boys. fuck food. fuck everything.<br />
worst new years eve ever.<br />
<br />
ha i finally get around to take pictures or myself, and its the new year! that kinda worked out lol<br />
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omg. putting this pics up makes me even more depressed. im so fucking fat. </div>
<br /></div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-88034780215010241602011-12-30T13:22:00.000-08:002011-12-30T13:22:07.626-08:00cant find the positives<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
M stopped talking to me. then he got tagged in a pic with his ex<br />
J is only giving 'lol' responses.<br />
i was up two, and in a week down to zeroooo<br />
<br />
ive gotten to the point where i NEED companionship. i dont want to be alone any more </div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-923081480628586032011-12-28T17:36:00.000-08:002011-12-28T17:46:15.357-08:00ahhh i think i screwed up agggain!!!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Ive been pretty good at not eating. def ate wrong for lunch today, nice burger from fridays. but i really wanted meat, i took the diet pills, and went to the gym after. but thats all, no other food!!<br />
<br />
Okay so i met someone, call him J. I think im falling in love but idk if its returned. even just being liked! we have been talking since we met, he went clubbing and texted me the whole time and talked on the phone on his way home, but now all of a sudden hes not texting as quickly. like half a day. n yea i def fall faster than guys and get annoyed with this stuff, but im afraid he doesnt like me. he is perfect. like perfect. hot as shyt, smart, and we have a lot in common. the only negative is he like wants to take ADD meds all the time. i had one once when he really needed it, and now i feel like his trying to make me be his dealer. and im annoyed we arent talking so im sending texts to often =/ what do i do?!?!? oh and hes totally sculpted. addicted to the gym and eating rite. helps motivate me =)<br />
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<br /></div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-91699073471058911802011-12-26T08:32:00.000-08:002011-12-28T17:36:59.566-08:00getting on track...hopefully<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I am Russian Orthodox so this past weekend was not my
Christmas (mines Jan 7) , however we did have family come down and visit. I
actually did a good job!! Yes I ate a little more than what I wanted to, but
all in all I am very surprised on how I was able to get away with not eating
much!! For example, this morning everyone was eating everything, I managed to
only eat a hardboiled egg, and no one questioned!! It helps when everyone’s
eating and talking, they don’t notice if I put something on my plate or not… </div>
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I also was able to get diet pills the other day, so I’ve
been talking those. I’m allergic to them though so I have to watch taking them.
You’re suppose to take two before a meal, I can’t do that. Ill break out. But
even if I take one, I figure that’ll help, esps since I’m not trying to stuff
myself. And actually at one point I did breakout in front of my parents, right
before a big meal, so I was able to not eat a lot cause ‘I wasn’t feeling well’
hahaha I found out I’m allergic to this stuff awhile ago so im use to it. Should
I stop taking them? Idkkk they kinda work and im so desperate. I just wanna be
small. I have what I call, Pillsbury dough girl syndrome. Where everything is
flabby and I have a stomach….</div>
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I need to take a sexy pic, one worthy of the background of a
phone….i have no idea what to do. Suggestions?!?!?! Oops gotta go…</div>
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</div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-77146206344560638562011-12-24T11:16:00.000-08:002011-12-24T11:16:25.654-08:00fuck everyone<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
i know i havent been good at this, but i got really depressed and busy lately. i will soooon keep updating. i really need this, otherwise i make excuses.<br />
<br />
i fucking hate my family. with a passion. esps my mom. i need to start looking at apartments get the fuck outta here....<br />
<br />
my school plans have been destroyed, i need more money, i need a social life.<br />
<br />
oddly enough tho, Ms been texting more. he honestly cares...which is weird for me. first time. buuut hes still confused with his ex so idkkkk. and now hes gotten all weak saying shyt like 'how can anyone like me'....wtf. and i actually met someone thurs nite and weve been texting. hes like the opposite from M in terms of what hes doing with his life. but well see what happens. its still early. but i cant stop thinking about them both....<br />
<br />
a friend mentioned he was doing the HCG diet, we started talking about it. its crap, the reason why it works is cause you are only suppose to eat like 500 caLs. he then got pissed at me for explaining how i eat. he said im absolutely crazy and i have a morphed self image perception. i dont, hes just being a friend....like i said, pics sooon!!!<br />
<br />
i feel completely lost and alone. i dont feel like i have control. my papa and i arent good either and he use to be my rock, my everything. no i have nothing. i dont know what to do...<br />
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I think im getting obsessed with her ^ lol Its charlize theron, and she is soooo gorgeous and hot</div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-3311645938250672982011-12-19T09:02:00.000-08:002011-12-19T09:02:43.233-08:00time is wasting<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
so i havn't blooged in a while. I just finished my finals, so studying for that took a lot of time. plus, i wasn't doing well and i didnt know what to say...<br />
<br />
my diet....i dont even know. which actually scares me. i have been avoiding the mirror and i have been dressing super bumby. i am a stress eater, but at the same time i tried avoiding food too. i dont know who won. and then there's the weed. i got some really dank weed, and tho i smoked till i fell asleep most of teh time, there were a couple of times where i didnt....fuck<br />
<br />
i actually did well in my classes. thats the only plus side.....oh and M texted me. HE texted ME, which means he was thinking about me. i actually didnt see him that nite but that was because i was dog sitting. he didnt really appreciate the fact that i choose the dog over him, but im getting paid to dog sit. and him and i, god knows what that is.<br />
<br />
fuck im not doing well. i wanna just curl back up in bed and never leave.<br />
i dont feel like im loosing weight fast enough. or at all. it gets me really depressed when people lose weight after one day...<br />
ugh one of these days i will post pics of me. i gotta have something to remind me<br />
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<br /></div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4592428660424857707.post-17066680852278302742011-12-09T09:10:00.001-08:002011-12-09T09:27:25.071-08:00Am I a Hypocrite?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I study health at school. specifically kinesiology to become a physical therapist. i learn about the body, how to work out, and we touch on nutrition. am i a hypocrite?? i didn't start my major and slowly start hating my body. i hated my body, got obsessed with reading and knowing everything about health and fitness for weight lose, so majoring in it just seemed like a natural fit...when i talk to people i tell them what i learned, not what i do. and i hate when people ask me what i do, cause i can't tell them. i can't tell them i watch every bite i take. i cant tell them that if i can't go to the gym for at least an hour i start to lose it. i can't tell them i sit in front of my mirror at nite seeing what more i need to do and wanting to cry, and avoid all mirrors otherwise. i can't tell them that as much as i want to hang out with you, you always want to go grab food or meet up for dinner where i can't come up with an excuse to not eat.<br />
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I have dreams of my perfect body. it involves muscle and im not weak, but its smaller than i am now. its smaller than most people at the gym. i want to be able to see my hip bones, collar bones, shoulder blades, and kinda my ribs. i want a flat stomach with some definition. i want a cute round butt. i want toned legs with thighs that dont touch. i want toned skinny arms. i dont want to have such a fat face. i have pretty good check bones that are trying to show. ive given up on the scale, at least for now. with muscle weight lose is even slower, so im looking for the visual difference. the smaller clothes size, people noticing, etc....<br />
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some day real soon i need to take pictures, something i can also look back at. ill post them here, and we can all tear it apart haha =)<br />
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</div>pursuit_of_happinesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14701492667510652411noreply@blogger.com1