Twisted

Happy Halloween everyone! I did/am not doing anything this year. My sister and I were in Philly yesterday for my nephews birthday party. We had to leave early and we came back late, so couldn't do anything Fri or Sat night. The party so fun, I like my cousin and his family. He's also an amazing cook and makes his own sausages. Like AMAZING food and so much of it!! So of course I overate. I kept taking laxatives, but the new ones I got are shit. I got natural ones cause I thought it would be easier on my system, but after taking like 10 it still isn't doing anything. What I waste, and now I feel like complete shit for eating yesterday. I'm going to try not to eat today. FML

My time with the therapist is done. Im out of sessions, so I need to actually tell my parents I was seeing someone so I can get them to get our insurance to cover it. But I don't know if I want to continue. Yea he helped me a lot, but thinking about it everything I talk to him about are things that time heals. Yea it sucks, but spending money to just vent to someone is maybe not worth it...there are def some issues I have, but I do not feel safe telling someone. I have a life plan, and I am afraid if I let someone in, like really in, they wont let me stay on my plan. I prob need to spend some time in a mental institute....and honestly that doesn't scare me. What does is having that impact my plan. You can never get back time.....

Huh that's funny. Time is one thing we don't have. We can't pause life, buy time back. Yet when it comes to life, time is what heals. When a boy screws you over and all you wanna do is cry and forget about him, time is what lets you do that. But it is in all that time of crying in which you want to die, so you wait for enough time to pass to feel whole again. Not realizing how much time you actually wasted. So what do you do....

One good thing came from my therapist, I'm on ADHD medication. Not adderall. My doctor doesn't like putting his patients on adderall because it's addicting and is a black market drug. Honestly I didn't care what he put me on. If I ever need adderall I knew who to go to, but I got tired of that. I can't focus and I want to do well in school, not just when its test time. Plus he explained adderall works as a switch, *click* you're super focused, four hours later *click* you're back. I can't remember what it's called, but its one that's suppose to last all day and is a slow release. I'm fine with that. Plus I'm excited, its suppose to suppress appetite. *fingers crossed*

I know I just ranted, but its been a minute since I've had time to write, and have been able to focus on one thought to even write about....I feel twisted for some reason. Like really crazy mean...like in horror movies. Those calm people who smile as the cut you up. Or maybe its just because I found American Horror Story on FX demand so ever since last night I've been watching it. There are only like 4 episodes, but its addicting. I have no idea what going on, but I love it. But I love things like it. The mind fuck scary movies, not the run around screaming for your life gory ones.

Well I'm gonna be weird, don't worry my next thinspo will be beautiful elegant women. But today, I'm crazy, and its Halloween...

      
Some times I like my own world in my head better than real life. The people I don't like, well they don't have a quick death lol I'm really not crazy. You don't know my past. You don't know my present. No one understands.

Lost For Words

I don't even know where to begin, so here's some thinspo

down in the gutter

im staying busy, why do i feel like this? why do i feel like not leaving the bed. why do i feel like noone cares. why do i feel so alone.

another midterm on mon, not ready. dont even want to look at the material. its not going to be easy tho. but i cant even focus on it. in fact its been brought to my attention that i cant focus all the time. even my therapist says so, so im going to talk to my doctor about it. I prob have whats called inattentive adhd. its one where you arent disruptive or cant sit still, but where your mind is in 100 different places. this may actually be one of the causes of my depression because no matter what i do im thinking about everything. over thinking situations that i cant change or replaying things that went wrong.

this also showed how much M really did a number of me. i clearly fell for him.....and all i wanna do is talk to him.

not even. im not gonna lie, i miss us doing what we norm do. have fun, play around, and have amazing sex all nite. i still dont understand what happened. i still dont understand why we stopped. why we stopped acknowledging each other. hes on his way to obx rite now...not that he told me.

im binging. i hate myself as i do it, but i dont know what else to do. it makes me feel better as im eating tho. i havnt had real food in so long. i havnt had meat in so long. n i cant purge. i have no gag reflex, took some lax tho....i can feel the weight gain. i can feel me getting fat and being unattractive. i will never be loved.

Nothing seems to work

My weight has not changed. I eat next to nothing during the day, and eat one serving of dinner so my parents don't bother me. Is that one meal really ruining everything? I work out almost everyday, when I can fit it in around work. I just dont know any more. I dont know what to do. I thought maybe its not in the scale because I am doing strength training and Im building muscle, but there's no change in how my clothes fit either. This is so frustrating. Do I keep it up or try something new? I sure as hell am not giving up. I hate how I look. I hate how I look like Im pregnant. I hate how my thighs touch. I hate how I have wings instead of arms. I can't look in the mirror without getting depressed and crying. I'm starting to go back to only wear sweats.

Now lets make things worse. I had a huge midterm first thing this morning. I have been uber stressed all week. This test was on five completely different topics and my professor is super specific and technical. Last nite was last min cramming and i just grabbed some comfort food and had it around me, mixed nuts and jellos new chocolate temptations (60 cal and amaaaazing). I was pretty proud of myself not eating EVERYTHING, but I did eat more then i wanted. My dad walks by to say good nite and freaks out. He takes all the food and goes "whoa okay fatty, what are you doing?!" O_O "my little girls gonna be a big girl!" and walks away......on one hand, great take all of it away. but on the other hand, youre my dad! and the same dad he watches how much i eat at dinner and notices i dont take food for lunch, and comments how he thinks im starving myself....
And then today he texts me after the test and says "are you off the sugar high yet? hopefully theres some food left for dinner tonite after you!"

AND my mom was facebook stalking a family friend of ours. They have a daughter two years younger than me. We get along fine, but i dont make an effort to hang out with her, even though we go to the same college. I can only take her in small doses...anyway i think shes fat. I mean more chunky than fat, but still fat. and its that squishy fat where everythings flabby and gross. and shes the same height as me. Well my mom was looking at pictures of her and called me over. shes goes "look!" i go, "yea thats a hideous outfit!" (she has TERRIBLE fashion taste. she also looked fat but since were suppose to be friends with them i didnt say that to my mom) she goes "look at how big she is! when shes next to you, you guys look the same, but look at her! shes so out of shape and big!!" ......wow

im going to start cutting myself. or start smoking.
i want to die

saw this in a magazine a couple years ago, this is teh pic that started my thinspiration. I was always unhappy with how i looked, but didnt know how to articulate it. Until this pic. I want to be like this....

Rachel Zoe

It should have been a busy weekend. I have midterms coming up, but I didnt want to do anything. I didnt want to see anyone. My parents spent the day saturday in besthesda at an art gallery so i was able to get away with doing nothing. i stole some vicodin from my moms cabinet and just detached from the world. now i feel like a wasted a day, but deep down it was perfect.

Today was busier. had a meeting to go to, went to a colonial fair with my parents, bought a new light for my car, and i wasted some time shopping. i didnt need anything, but just wanted to get out of the house and distract myself. Turned out to be perfect timing!! i found something ive been looking for for like three years now. The perfect fur vest. Its faux and shades of brown, and hits me mid thigh. I became obsessed when i first started watching the Rachel Zoe Project. I am OBSESSED with her. i love her to death!! so here's some Rachel <3

Reported she drink starbucks all day and has a grapefruit. like doesnt eat much else. granted if you watch her show you see how stressed her job is and how busy she is, but shes totally thinspiration 

Halloween

Pretty good news. I'm doing okay, mentally. I started seeing a different therapist that understands me better so i feel comfortable talking to him. Im surprised how much better i feel just by venting to him. I also figured out a great plan! my parents have been on my case lately about food, about how i dont seem to be taking lunch etc. I dont restrict my dinner too much so as not to hear it from them, which of course nullifies the fact that i didnt eat like anything during the day. Dinner and dessert, cause my dad has a HUGE sweet tooth and also makes me whatever hes having. its like our bonding time so i feel bad saying no....i dont know how to deal with that yet...anyway i have two guy friends i see everyday cause of class and theyre boys so theyre always hungry. I asked if i could bring them lunch and they totally agreed! without asking why! so now i take the lunches and give it to them lol that makes me feel better then just throwing away food.

I was in a car accident yesterday. im okay, and so is the other person, but the corner of "my" car is in pretty bad shape. i dont have enough money to fix it, and neither do my parents. nor do we have enough money for a new car sooo idk whats going to happen....trying not to stress about it too much rite now...

On a more important note, as you know halloween is coming. I have nooooo idea what to be!!! suggestions???? btw i dont feel comfortable showing my belly. i swear it looks like im pregnant.

 

Gaining Control

Just some thinspo for today...

this is INSANE!! god i wish i looked like this. so gorgeous and elegant...