Twisted

Happy Halloween everyone! I did/am not doing anything this year. My sister and I were in Philly yesterday for my nephews birthday party. We had to leave early and we came back late, so couldn't do anything Fri or Sat night. The party so fun, I like my cousin and his family. He's also an amazing cook and makes his own sausages. Like AMAZING food and so much of it!! So of course I overate. I kept taking laxatives, but the new ones I got are shit. I got natural ones cause I thought it would be easier on my system, but after taking like 10 it still isn't doing anything. What I waste, and now I feel like complete shit for eating yesterday. I'm going to try not to eat today. FML

My time with the therapist is done. Im out of sessions, so I need to actually tell my parents I was seeing someone so I can get them to get our insurance to cover it. But I don't know if I want to continue. Yea he helped me a lot, but thinking about it everything I talk to him about are things that time heals. Yea it sucks, but spending money to just vent to someone is maybe not worth it...there are def some issues I have, but I do not feel safe telling someone. I have a life plan, and I am afraid if I let someone in, like really in, they wont let me stay on my plan. I prob need to spend some time in a mental institute....and honestly that doesn't scare me. What does is having that impact my plan. You can never get back time.....

Huh that's funny. Time is one thing we don't have. We can't pause life, buy time back. Yet when it comes to life, time is what heals. When a boy screws you over and all you wanna do is cry and forget about him, time is what lets you do that. But it is in all that time of crying in which you want to die, so you wait for enough time to pass to feel whole again. Not realizing how much time you actually wasted. So what do you do....

One good thing came from my therapist, I'm on ADHD medication. Not adderall. My doctor doesn't like putting his patients on adderall because it's addicting and is a black market drug. Honestly I didn't care what he put me on. If I ever need adderall I knew who to go to, but I got tired of that. I can't focus and I want to do well in school, not just when its test time. Plus he explained adderall works as a switch, *click* you're super focused, four hours later *click* you're back. I can't remember what it's called, but its one that's suppose to last all day and is a slow release. I'm fine with that. Plus I'm excited, its suppose to suppress appetite. *fingers crossed*

I know I just ranted, but its been a minute since I've had time to write, and have been able to focus on one thought to even write about....I feel twisted for some reason. Like really crazy mean...like in horror movies. Those calm people who smile as the cut you up. Or maybe its just because I found American Horror Story on FX demand so ever since last night I've been watching it. There are only like 4 episodes, but its addicting. I have no idea what going on, but I love it. But I love things like it. The mind fuck scary movies, not the run around screaming for your life gory ones.

Well I'm gonna be weird, don't worry my next thinspo will be beautiful elegant women. But today, I'm crazy, and its Halloween...

      
Some times I like my own world in my head better than real life. The people I don't like, well they don't have a quick death lol I'm really not crazy. You don't know my past. You don't know my present. No one understands.