cant find the positives

M stopped talking to me. then he got tagged in a pic with his ex
J is only giving 'lol' responses.
i was up two, and in a week down to zeroooo

ive gotten to the point where i NEED companionship. i dont want to be alone any more 

ahhh i think i screwed up agggain!!!

Ive been pretty good at not eating. def ate wrong for lunch today, nice burger from fridays. but i really wanted meat, i took the diet pills, and went to the gym after. but thats all, no other food!!

Okay so i met someone, call him J. I think im falling in love but idk if its returned. even just being liked! we have been talking since we met, he went clubbing and texted me the whole time and talked on the phone on his way home, but now all of a sudden hes not texting as quickly. like half a day. n yea i def fall faster than guys and get annoyed with this stuff, but im afraid he doesnt like me. he is perfect. like perfect. hot as shyt, smart, and we have a lot in common. the only negative is he like wants to take ADD meds all the time. i had one once when he really needed it, and now i feel like his trying to make me be his dealer. and im annoyed we arent talking so im sending texts to often =/ what do i do?!?!? oh and hes totally sculpted. addicted to the gym and eating rite. helps motivate me =)

getting on track...hopefully

I am Russian Orthodox so this past weekend was not my Christmas (mines Jan 7) , however we did have family come down and visit. I actually did a good job!! Yes I ate a little more than what I wanted to, but all in all I am very surprised on how I was able to get away with not eating much!! For example, this morning everyone was eating everything, I managed to only eat a hardboiled egg, and no one questioned!! It helps when everyone’s eating and talking, they don’t notice if I put something on my plate or not…

I also was able to get diet pills the other day, so I’ve been talking those. I’m allergic to them though so I have to watch taking them. You’re suppose to take two before a meal, I can’t do that. Ill break out. But even if I take one, I figure that’ll help, esps since I’m not trying to stuff myself. And actually at one point I did breakout in front of my parents, right before a big meal, so I was able to not eat a lot cause ‘I wasn’t feeling well’ hahaha I found out I’m allergic to this stuff awhile ago so im use to it. Should I stop taking them? Idkkk they kinda work and im so desperate. I just wanna be small. I have what I call, Pillsbury dough girl syndrome. Where everything is flabby and I have a stomach….

I need to take a sexy pic, one worthy of the background of a phone….i have no idea what to do. Suggestions?!?!?! Oops gotta go…

fuck everyone

i know i havent been good at this, but i got really depressed and busy lately. i will soooon keep updating. i really need this, otherwise i make excuses.

i fucking hate my family. with a passion. esps my mom. i need to start looking at apartments get the fuck outta here....

my school plans have been destroyed, i need more money, i need a social life.

oddly enough tho, Ms been texting more. he honestly cares...which is weird for me. first time. buuut hes still confused with his ex so idkkkk. and now hes gotten all weak saying shyt like 'how can anyone like me'....wtf. and i actually met someone thurs nite and weve been texting. hes like the opposite from M in terms of what hes doing with his life. but well see what happens. its still early. but i cant stop thinking about them both....

a friend mentioned he was doing the HCG diet, we started talking about it. its crap, the reason why it works is cause you are only suppose to eat like 500 caLs. he then got pissed at me for explaining how i eat. he said im absolutely crazy and i have a morphed self image perception. i dont, hes just being a friend....like i said, pics sooon!!!

i feel completely lost and alone. i dont feel like i have control. my papa and i arent good either and he use to be my rock, my everything. no i have nothing. i dont know what to do...

I think im getting obsessed with her ^ lol Its charlize theron, and she is soooo gorgeous and hot

time is wasting

so i havn't blooged in a while. I just finished my finals, so studying for that took a lot of time. plus, i wasn't doing well and i didnt know what to say...

my diet....i dont even know. which actually scares me. i have been avoiding the mirror and i have been dressing super bumby. i am a stress eater, but at the same time i tried avoiding food too. i dont know who won. and then there's the weed. i got some really dank weed, and tho i smoked till i fell asleep most of teh time, there were a couple of times where i didnt....fuck

i actually did well in my classes. thats the only plus side.....oh and M texted me. HE texted ME, which means he was thinking about me. i actually didnt see him that nite but that was because i was dog sitting. he didnt really appreciate the fact that i choose the dog over him, but im getting paid to dog sit. and him and i, god knows what that is.

fuck im not doing well. i wanna just curl back up in bed and never leave.
i dont feel like im loosing weight fast enough. or at all. it gets me really depressed when people lose weight after one day...
ugh one of these days i will post pics of me. i gotta have something to remind me

Am I a Hypocrite?

I study health at school. specifically kinesiology to become a physical therapist. i learn about the body, how to work out, and we touch on nutrition. am i a hypocrite?? i didn't start my major and slowly start hating my body. i hated my body, got obsessed with reading and knowing everything about health and fitness for weight lose, so majoring in it just seemed like a natural fit...when i talk to people i tell them what i learned, not what i do. and i hate when people ask me what i do, cause i can't tell them. i can't tell them i watch every bite i take. i cant tell them that if i can't go to the gym for at least an hour i start to lose it. i can't tell them i sit in front of my mirror at nite seeing what more i need to do and wanting to cry, and avoid all mirrors otherwise. i can't tell them that as much as i want to hang out with you, you always want to go grab food or meet up for dinner where i can't come up with an excuse to not eat.

I have dreams of my perfect body. it involves muscle and im not weak, but its smaller than i am now. its smaller than most people at the gym. i want to be able to see my hip bones, collar bones, shoulder blades,  and kinda my ribs. i want a flat stomach with some definition. i want a cute round butt. i want toned legs with thighs that dont touch. i want toned skinny arms. i dont want to have such a fat face. i have pretty good check bones that are trying to show. ive given up on the scale, at least for now. with muscle weight lose is even slower, so im looking for the visual difference. the smaller clothes size, people noticing, etc....

some day real soon i need to take pictures, something i can also look back at. ill post them here, and we can all tear it apart haha =)

I just want to die...

Literally yesterday i was gonna write a post about how ive been doing better. on how i def think my meds are helping with the depression and i think im getting better at being happy.

today, i fell....am still falling....into a black hole. I want to curl up and die, or at least cry.

I feel like complete shit. Today was horrible. I slept horribly. Kept tossing and turning and woke up round 5 and couldn’t go back to sleep for the longest time. I had a very important presentation today so I had to get all dressed up, couldn’t find my eye liner, then I was running late. Went to grab my multi vitamin (which I need cause its one with higher calcium because my levels are super low since im lactose intolerant) and knocked over my dads prescription bottle that was in front of it, the cap wasn’t on so his pills went EVERYWHERE. No I was even later cause I had to go pick them all up…..

And its raining outside so traffic was terrible. Its like people forget how to drive when its raining…

My presentation went horrible. My partner didn’t do his half from the beginning. Literally started working on it the day it was due, and didn’t finish…and im crazy about my grades and do work…and during the presentation he started making things up or saying the worng thing. The professor did not look happy….there goes my grade, my gpa, and so much for getting into the honors fraternity this semester.

Then at work, here right now, every things going to shyt. Im in a terrible mood (worsened by my period), the youngest has a migraine so she’s half crying, and the oldest basically said, im not doing anything im suppose to today….

WTFFFF

Like usually they are so easy and fun, what is going on???? And she’s slowly been slowing down on her homework. So today I got a call from the mom, she’s upset because they aren’t doing what they’re suppose to, and of course its my fault since my job is keep them on task……ugggh like ive been the cool nanny this whole time so we’ve been getting along

I don’t know what to do. I just wanna cry…

I want to talk to M

I want to die.

Or take a bunch of pain killers and sleep forever….  

I hate what I see in the mirror, and the thought of eating anything but a small dinner makes me panic. And no one understands 

wheres the sense?

first of all, im officially a brother of Phi Sigma Pi!!! yes brother, its a co-ed honors fraternity so we are all brothers. so happy and so happy with the family im in!!

been doing pretty good in school, almost done so its been hectic...homes going to shit tho. my mom keeps crying and yelling with my dad about how he always takes my side for everything and that he never supports her. thats not true, shes crazy....n my sister moved home because her roommate is going thru a crazy phase, and she just makes everything worse...

saw M last nite. so happy i got to spend time with him, but it didnt go as i would have liked. he kept holding back, instead of kissing me, holding me, etc. i talked for a while, found out his crazy ex made up the story about seeing someone...and he went on a rant about how hes fucked up and he would only mess me up....????....then about how hes ex tells him about every guy she sleeps with, and he doesnt tell her anything like that. how she doesnt know about me....
1. if shes telling you all this i feel like its only for jealousy ooor she doesnt want to be with him
2. about me? we didnt talk for two months...are we really something special???? yea i like him, but i dont know how much he likes me....
its soooo confusing. and if there is something between us, why are you holding back?? why am i not good enough for you to not worry about your ex??? you broke up 5 months ago, if you really loved each other you would have gotten back together by now....but you havnt, and you text me. why cant i be with you???