pillsbury dough girl syndrome

im finally cleared to work at the hospital, now just figuring out when ill actually be working. schools starting to pick up with homework and stuff. finally was able to go to the gym, couldnt motivate myself to do cardio after i did weights. im so weak. so fat. such a fuck up.

i was suppose to hang out with people, they were excited too. came up with some lame excuse. i knew if i went out we would drink and eat. cant do that rite now. sats a friends 21st so there will be plenty of that later. managed to get away with only having tea, crangrape juice, and a banana today. trying to stay strong now that im home. wish i was at the gym. esps since my parents are just fighting in the next room.

ive been doing well during the day to not think about M. nite time is what kills. its like the only thing i can think about, and its the only dreams i have. i hate this.

need to get the gym back in my schedule. i have pillsbury dough girl syndrome. squishy and i look like im pregnant. im so fat and ugly. why would he ever think about me.

'There's nothing wrong with you'

still super stressed. got the internship so im running around trying to get everything so i can be cleared and actually start. doctor's on tues, for vaccines, i have a phobia of needles...this isn't going to go well haha

trying to get everything organized school wise, get back into the routine. been eating like shit lately cause ive been forced to eat with my family. there's only so much i can do around them...and been soooo busy havn't been able to go to the gym. im pretty sure im back to my starting weight. i feel so fat and like shit.
excited because im taking a fitness evaluation class, where we learn how to evaluate people's level of fitness. were going to learn how to take all sorts of measurements so ill know for sure where i stand in all aspects.

hung out with R, drinking, ended up talking bout M. this was new and a little awkward. since ive met him, in july, the two of us never talked about him. They are beeest friends so he tells her everything. i didn't want to put her in the middle. She's so upset about what happened. she hates his 'ex'gf and is so pissed that he continues to try to fix things. she tried to make me understand that its so fucked up, but no matter how much everyone complains, HE needs to realize it and stop.....then she said something which was surprisingly comforting. she said, 'its not you. there's nothing wrong with you. hes a lame ass whose going thru shit with her. you did nothing wrong, he had never said anything negative about you, but talks shit about her all the time' i didn't realize how much that made me feel better. the normal female response to everything that happened is, what did i do wrong. i did nothing wrong, i didn't fuck this up!

i miss him so much. i hate not being to talk to him. i just want to be happy again....

cant stop shaking!

*big sigh*
Soooo super stressed rite now. but the craziness should calm down by next weekend.
First week of classes, not use to the new schedule and waking up time. Still working, and still at the internship, so no time for the gym this week. im literally going insane.

Got a parking ticket today, need to pay that. got some tickets over break, found out today my court date was today in the morning.....now gotta go pay all that too.
Since its back to school, and cause of my major, I have a class not on the main campus, so i have 50 mins to get to that one. oh the gas...i need more money! lol

This semester, as part of my major, I need to do a practicum. Which is basically an internship except we only need to complete 150 hours. The place Im at now doesnt count because its not hands on enough for school, so they needed to place me. To my great surprise my professor wants to set me up at the cardiac rehab for outpatients at the huge hospital in my area!!! they do not take many people, and this semester they will only allow one ONE person go through the process. they chose me!! what an honor, im still geeking out. but talk about stress! since its with a hospital i need to be interviewed, background check, paperwork, training, etc before i can begin. my interview is tom, i cant stop shaking im so nervous. Hopefully Im what they want. then im scared about the background check, not that i have any hidden skeletons, but if they do i drug test i may be fucked. Last time i smoked was sunday, even if they wait till next week ill be in better shape. and i have no problem stopping this semester. i only smoke with certain people and not that often. the timing of sunday just sucks! but how was i suppose to know i would be given this opportunity? *fingers crossed*

still havnt heard from M, and found out he hasnt been talking to our mutual friends either. so idkkk. whatever im on my grind and need to get my shit in order. this train waits for no one, esp if youre gonna slow me down.

Today is my saints day, which is a bigger deal then your birthday in our church, and toms my dads bday. Tonight were going to the wizards basketball game, he won corporate tickets from work so well be pretty close to on the floor. im excited.

deep breath. can only take it one day at a time.