Something New

I am going to try to stay positive. I will only talk about good things...okay and ill end with some stuff i wanna get off my chest lol hey im a girl after all

I babysat last nite for a crazy mom and her two bratty kids. I hate this kids soooo much, but i need money. Luckily i was able to ignore them and work on homework with no problem. This just proved how much i love my jobs. I LOVE my nanny job. I love those girls like they are my younger sisters. They are fun, well behaved, smart, i mean i can go on and on! It is the best job ever! i get paid good money, off the record, to do homework with my younger 'sisters'. We joke around, do stuff that sisters do, they look up to me. They make me feel so good. i need to figure out good christmas presents for them....actually whats harder is getting something for the parents. I dont interact with them, but def wanna get them something.....hmmm

Oh and when the other babysitter came to replace me, we were friends in HS still are but have different lives so dont hang out, we caught up a little and she said "your looking skinny these days" i dont see it, but i never felt so good from something someone said to me. =)

Then my internship/job, awesome. I get paid to do simple things with really nice people. They are all from Europe and english is their second language so I fix everything. I understand what to do with computers, i understand what insurances want/need, i do anything they need. I mean i even walk the dog. I keep the system updated and rite, and they love it. They're super nice and laid back so its a no stress atmosphere and i can take as long as i need to do anything. Of course i dont take advantage and drag things out, but its nice to be working on something that your boss assumes will take you all day so doesnt hover or anything. 

I honestly cant find anything wrong with my jobs. I would really have to get nit-picky. No point in that.

Tom my familys going to the navy football game. Its awesome!! Because of my dads work were in the box with all you can eat great food and alcohol. Its going to be a real test of my control....which is seriously lacking. not sure what im gonna do about that....=/

Sunday I find out who my big is. Im very worried but super excited. From clue week i found out shes super girly. Pink, glitter, nailpolish, everything. Im a huge tomboy....not sure how thats gonna work but im sure itll be fine. Maybe itll be better for me, someone whose hyper and happy....i just really hope its someone from my list...we shall wait and see

ALSO. OMG  my sister has redeemed herself. She has always been a shitty older sister and were not close at all, but she made a really cool move. I drive the extra family car that is 20+ years old. Its a shitty tank that drinks so much gas. The AC barely works, it stales out, and its huge. Its an old volvo station back. To add the embarrassment i was in a car accident so the front right of the car is in bad shape. The light doesnt work and is pushed in, and the hood is jammed so i cant change the bulb....or put oil in the car. Its gonna cost a couple thousand to fix it. A couple thousand that i have to pay cause im the one who got in the accident. Weeeell my sister wants a new car, so she came up with the plan of signing over her car (scion tc barely 5 years old) to me and i finish paying it off, about 4000. Then she can get a new car. SUPER UPGRADE!! dad said that totally makes since. mom is pissed, crying, and saying no cause its her baby and she doesnt wanna get rid of it....the war continues....

huh i cant remember what i was depressed about now....not gonna try to remember either.

Heres some pics of celebrities who recently lost weight. Theyre all over People as scary skinny etc, I dont agree....damn what am i gonna do tom at the game...

Staying busy

Staying busy, trying to keep my mind from wandering. The ADHD meds arent doing anything, when I get a refill im gonna ask for the higher dose. Babysitting a lot, HUGE test tom, going to teh Navy football game this weekend...hopefully good times. Actually I wont be spending much time with friends...which will sink in soon and ill get all depressed again. i wanna hang out with rose, but not kasey. like at all. but theyre roommates so that wont happen....n the boy from the summer who was suppose to leave fro north dakota isnt leaving any more. I wouldnt care except for teh fact that hes weirdly around cause he keeps SUCH good contact with rose, which also means theres a chance of him crashing at their place again....

how am i suppose to move on if i cant physically? i dont think about him during the day (okay once in a while) but i keep waking up from dreams with him. fmlllll

any who gotta stop procrastinating and actually study, as promised elegant thinspo =)
(ps if you guys wanna see anything in particular let me know!)

 

Twisted

Happy Halloween everyone! I did/am not doing anything this year. My sister and I were in Philly yesterday for my nephews birthday party. We had to leave early and we came back late, so couldn't do anything Fri or Sat night. The party so fun, I like my cousin and his family. He's also an amazing cook and makes his own sausages. Like AMAZING food and so much of it!! So of course I overate. I kept taking laxatives, but the new ones I got are shit. I got natural ones cause I thought it would be easier on my system, but after taking like 10 it still isn't doing anything. What I waste, and now I feel like complete shit for eating yesterday. I'm going to try not to eat today. FML

My time with the therapist is done. Im out of sessions, so I need to actually tell my parents I was seeing someone so I can get them to get our insurance to cover it. But I don't know if I want to continue. Yea he helped me a lot, but thinking about it everything I talk to him about are things that time heals. Yea it sucks, but spending money to just vent to someone is maybe not worth it...there are def some issues I have, but I do not feel safe telling someone. I have a life plan, and I am afraid if I let someone in, like really in, they wont let me stay on my plan. I prob need to spend some time in a mental institute....and honestly that doesn't scare me. What does is having that impact my plan. You can never get back time.....

Huh that's funny. Time is one thing we don't have. We can't pause life, buy time back. Yet when it comes to life, time is what heals. When a boy screws you over and all you wanna do is cry and forget about him, time is what lets you do that. But it is in all that time of crying in which you want to die, so you wait for enough time to pass to feel whole again. Not realizing how much time you actually wasted. So what do you do....

One good thing came from my therapist, I'm on ADHD medication. Not adderall. My doctor doesn't like putting his patients on adderall because it's addicting and is a black market drug. Honestly I didn't care what he put me on. If I ever need adderall I knew who to go to, but I got tired of that. I can't focus and I want to do well in school, not just when its test time. Plus he explained adderall works as a switch, *click* you're super focused, four hours later *click* you're back. I can't remember what it's called, but its one that's suppose to last all day and is a slow release. I'm fine with that. Plus I'm excited, its suppose to suppress appetite. *fingers crossed*

I know I just ranted, but its been a minute since I've had time to write, and have been able to focus on one thought to even write about....I feel twisted for some reason. Like really crazy mean...like in horror movies. Those calm people who smile as the cut you up. Or maybe its just because I found American Horror Story on FX demand so ever since last night I've been watching it. There are only like 4 episodes, but its addicting. I have no idea what going on, but I love it. But I love things like it. The mind fuck scary movies, not the run around screaming for your life gory ones.

Well I'm gonna be weird, don't worry my next thinspo will be beautiful elegant women. But today, I'm crazy, and its Halloween...

      
Some times I like my own world in my head better than real life. The people I don't like, well they don't have a quick death lol I'm really not crazy. You don't know my past. You don't know my present. No one understands.